'but if you try sometimes, you just might find...'

you can't always get what you want.

it seems a simple enough concept. like most other things in life, though, the simple concepts don't come easily to me. and this particular idea is one that i've been wrestling over. just when it seems like i am close to submitting, i regain some energy and start fighting it all over again.

friends, i must confess. i have this ugly ability to zone everything out and focus only on myself. i'm so good at it sometimes i don't even realize i'm doing it. i start to think the world really is supposed to revolve around me. and isn't God's job to cater to my every whim? how could He think He knows better than i do? i wish i was exaggerating because it sounds ridiculous when you say it outloud.

lately i've been asking the same question over and over again. why haven't You given me what i've asked for, God? is it not okay for me to want things? just recently i got my answer. only, it wasn't really the answer i thought i wanted. i don't know why God hasn't given me certain things i've asked for. instead, He continues to remind why i'm here - in boston, in nursing school, walking forward on a path that seems unclear. and then i realize that i don't want to be anywhere else, doing anything else. because i don't want to miss out on this.

all of this is a horribly disorganized way of sharing with you that i'm learning something. i've learned it before and i'll probably learn it again. but i think the rolling stones were on to something. you can't always get what you want. but sometimes, if we'll sit still for a moment, we might find that we do get what we need.

i can tell you a whole list of things that i want that i don't have in my life right now. oh goodness. i could spend the rest of the day thinking of examples of that. and i would be lying if i didn't tell you that i've spent a significant amount of time lately thinking about that stuff. and before i knew it, the world revolved around me. and it didn't look good.

but then this beautiful thing happened. i was forced outside of myself for a moment, and God reminded me - in the quiet, gentle way that He always does - that this life isn't all about me. it's mostly not about me, actually. but the amazing thing is that when we let go of our lives - when we let our lives be about something or Someone greater than ourselves - we find that we don't lose anything at all. actually, that is where we gain everything. life abundant and love and hope and joy and peace and that's just the beginning.

these things don't come from getting what we want. the things we want are only a cheap imitation. we all know this because we've experienced it. we want something. we get it. and before we know it, it's not enough anymore. no - real life comes only from letting go. realizing that it's okay to want; it's human. but ultimately, we must recognize that our perceptions are limited and there is One who knows better and He can have all of me because what else could i want but to be His beloved?

and so here i am. i may not get to have or be x,y or z at this point in my life. but i have had some amazing surprises in my life already. things and people that i never knew to want - but turns out they were exactly what i needed. could it be that this is exactly what God is playing at in my life once again? i wouldn't be surprised.

i'm listening to this song right now. and my heart is full. He can have me. No matter what.


(on a side note, i practically burned a hole in my instructor's forehead this morning because i was staring at her so intensely. i can't help it! i'm so excited and so convinced (when i stop being such a self-obsessed baby) that this is exactly the right place for me right now. i am soaking it all up like a sponge! i can't wait to be a nurse and if i'm not the best nurse in the world it won't be for lack of trying i promise.)