maybe it's time

it's been a while since i've felt compelled to write. perhaps because i've been forced to write very technical things for this class or that doctor. but i just finished my last paper for the semester. and sure. it's not the best thing i've ever written. but it's done.

and i'm sitting at my desk drinking a glass of red wine - which i don't do often - listening to this song over and over again. dancing in my chair with my hair down.

i watched an open heart surgery today. from literally 1 foot away. and i didn't even feel dizzy. i kept my eyes open and took deep breaths and watched in amazement. and i was reminded again about how much we can change over the course of our lives. i remember slicing my finger open with a pocket knife a few years ago, and closing my eyes while yelling at my nurse roommate that i needed her to come take care of me or i was going to pass out. or even just a few months ago when i tested my aunt's blood sugar and felt sick to my stomach at the small sight of blood on her finger. and here i was, watching a woman be put on bypass while her heart was stopped and her aorta was sliced to pieces. and i kept my eyes open and learned and smiled on my way back to see my instructor.

i also went for a run this week. for the first time in 3 years i'm running again. and my hips feel okay. and my knee doesn't hurt. and my heart is pumping in my chest and i'm sweating and the right music is coming on and i feel like i could run forever. well, until i realize that i'm in horrible shape because i haven't been able to run in 3 years. (shout out to my chiropractor who is fixing me and it's amazing)

here's to coming back to life. still crying sometimes. still wondering if i can really do this or if i still want to do this. missing the hills in california and the pacific ocean. or the open fields of illinois and the friendly faces. but enjoying the atlantic ocean and family and friends and living in what sometimes feels like a foreign culture. oh boston. how did we end up together? i think we'll be good friends afterall.