soggy gym shoes and cowboys

lately i've been feeling pretty beat up. suddenly single again 3 months ago, i got my terrified little butt on a plane (not without the help of my favorite send-off crew, though) and moved 3000 miles overnight. i remember looking out the window at boston while the sun was rising and my plane was landing - feeling the knot in my stomach grow until i started to cry. sure, i was one physically and emotionally exhausted lady at that point, but still. all i could think was, 'what on earth am i doing?'

getting settled in boston has not been without it's bumps and bruises either. besides the emotional pain of losing a relationship, and dealing with some difficult changes in my family life, i've been at best stumbling my way through this transition back into student life. figuring out how to study as a life style is not as natural as it once was. not that i mind being able to take a break in the middle of the day to sit and talk with new friends or explore my new neighborhood.

it's been awhile since i've felt like i could wrap my mind around everything that i'm seeing, doing, and feeling enough to write anything worth reading. and i don't know, maybe i'm still not there. even as i sit in my new apartment - this new place with big open windows and my own room that i painted my new favorite shade of gray - i can't help but wonder when all of this will stop feeling so new and start just feeling like my life. my grown up, single, adult child of divorced parents, east coast, nursing student life. i guess i'm getting there.

and in the meantime, lost wallets, lost keys, scabby knees from bad falls off my bike, soap opera stars who want me to be their facebook friend, and coming out of lab to find my bike stolen, in some strange way just make this all more real, and make this place feel more and more like some sort of home, for now anyway. because when things are falling apart around me to the point that someone steals my bike, i just have to let go and laugh. maybe it was time for a whole new me? even the yellow road bike part, i guess.

anyhow. what i really wanted to share were a few moments last friday when all of the above faded to the background for a bit and i let myself be. joy and overflow and all that good stuff.



walking 2 miles in what i thought was light rain, only it started to down pour about 3 minutes in.

opening up my hands to feel the fat, warm raindrops in each of my palms. taking a deep breath in and feeling God's love and delight as i just let go and enjoyed.

grinning, even though my clothes were saturated with water, as people with umbrellas hurried by and gave me puzzled looks.

listening to 'cowboy take me away' by the dixie chicks (it just seemed like a good song for the moment, i don't know), and feeling my soul agree again with the desire to be out in the open, in the middle of nowhere, and just take it all in. maybe to be in arizona somewhere? montana? alaska??

the moment i noticed my feet. even though my mind had decided that i was going to get soaked and it was okay, my feet had a hard time following. i could feel the discomfort as the water slowly creeped into each shoe. my toes involuntarily curled under, begging me to turn around and save them from getting soaked. it was the funniest thing because i knew if i was going to continue to my destination (oh yes, i was going somewhere specific), my feet were just going to have to get wet but it would be fine. nice even.

and then i realized that my life was kinda that way. i'm delicately trying to avoid as much discomfort as possible, while actually it's all pretty inevitable. and it's fine. it might even be wonderful. like finally letting my feet get soaked, and then jumping in puddles because why not?

because i'm learning (i'm a lifelong learner, really) that the hard stuff is just going to be there. it just is. it actually shouldn't be that surprising because we've messed this whole place up so much. so i can surrender to hopelessness and suffocate in self-pity, or i can look up and remember that Redemption is happening, even right now all around me. and some things really are just worth enjoying. like warm, fat rain drops on your hands. and it would be so sad to miss that stuff.