delicious ambiguity

"some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity..." gilda radner

as i write, i am sitting at peets in harvard square. it all feels very surreal. a week ago, things made so much more sense to me. i woke up at the same time every day in my tiny room with a big window. i ate breakfast and either got on my bike or started my walk to work. i spent the day working with my coworker-friends, and then moved on to whatever i had planned for the evening - which usually involved the friends i have come to love.

and now i live in boston and i'm a student at a new school. just like that.

i have to be honest - the ambiguity of life doesn't taste very delicious to me right now. but i know, or i trust, that gilda was on to something. because even when life seems predictable and therefore manageable, everything is still up in the air. when everything seems to be going okay, your parents split up. your best friends struggle with depression. your family members get sick. tragedies occur in the lives of people you love.

life must be about adapting to change - letting it wash over you, and taking the opportunity to become stronger, more whole, more compassionate. holding onto faith that there is One who doesn't change, who takes us by the hand and walks us through the ups and downs.

and so i'm holding on.


with a heavy heart that misses san francisco, here are some of the things that bring me joy today:

listening to a mix cd from one of my favorite friends. little does she know 6 years ago another good friend made me a mix cd when i transferred from boston college to the university of illinois. in what was a lonely time of my life, i would listen to a certain song over and over again - the same song that ends this new cd. so even though my heart is heavy, i can hear this song and remember God's faithfulness to me during that other difficult time - and all the joy that was awaiting me while at the u of i. (and caitlin, that only makes me more sure that we were destined to be friends)

stacks of cards from friends who know me well and have been holding me up for the past month.

going away parties with dancing, friends dressed up like me, pizza and home-made videos just for me. friends who were there until the last moment to say goodbye - including in the middle of the road while my car drove away, at the airport, running through the airport to give me one more hug.

a brother who met me at the airport and helped me bring everything to his house - including my bike in a big box - on public transportation. he's given me his bed for the summer, and opened his space to me. we even watch the same tv shows. (finally i have a lost buddy)

riding my bike in harvard square.

listening to "you gotta be" by desree - try it. no, i'm serious. listen to it. you won't regret it.

my first day of class. sitting with 15 other future nurses, learning about anatomy and how we are going to use this information in our future jobs. freaking exciting.

walking around harvard medical school and some of the best hospitals in the country. i get to learn in this environment. ridiculous.

eating oysters for the first time at the oldest restaurant in the united states.

warm nights with gentle breezes.

text messaging, google chat, and skype.

the moments where your heart lets go of all the fear and hurt, and feels open to the unknown of the future - all of the sudden hope and joy rush in, and you trust that things are going to be more than okay.

eating lunch on the steps at MIT feeling very out of place. red stripped shoes, tank tops, and pony tails. the health of my nephew ty. my 9 month old niece's new teeth. sailboats on the charles river. good hamburgers.

love. grace. hope. trust. surrender.