make sure you eat an apple cider doughnut at least once this fall

today ended with tears and a phone call to my mom. yes, i am 26 years old and sometimes i still need to call my mom and cry.

i needed to cry because i spent the day with a man who is on his way to hospice. my first day working by myself* with a patient, and it was a man who is getting ready to die. i spent the day joking around with him, tending closely to his needs, trying to make sure that he was comfortable and without pain. knowing that soon his wife will say goodbye to her husband, and his children will bury their dad. and all afternoon i've felt this strange cloud hanging over me - until i called my mom and the tears just came out.

i needed to cry because for the past 5 months, i have spent portions of every day feeling completely incompetent and incapable. i've spent hours studying for exams - desperate to really learn things instead of just memorize, but realizing that it's too much and my brain can only absorb so much at a time. my room is filled with text books and note cards and study guides. and though i now feel comfortable in my role as nursing student, i cannot imagine the day when i will feel confident as a nurse.

but then there are the moments when i get to stand at a dying man's bedside and ask him to squeeze my hand so that i can check the muscle strength in his arm, and his grip lingers a few seconds longer, and i have this quiet opportunity to connect with a man who's thankful not to be alone.

i guess that all of this is a mixed up way of saying that lately i am overflowing with joy on a daily basis. you may not get that sense all the time. i'm stressed out often by the craziness of my schedule and the amount of information i need to learn in such a short period of time.

but i love the process of becoming a nurse. i'm overwhelmed with gratitude for this opportunity, and hopeful anticipation for the road ahead of me.

and in the meantime, i'm just going to take one step at a time. close my eyes and enjoy the fall weather, boston's beautiful trees, and the smell of the crisp air. i'm going to do yoga in my bedroom and grab a beer with my classmates. i'm going to rock out on the elliptical at the gym (it's easier on my knees, okay?), get up early in the morning to sit quietly before the Lord and breathe in deeply. i'm going to drink pumpkin flavored coffee, meet new people, play softball next to the charles river at 10pm on a school night, and laugh often with my roommates. and i'm going to call my mom to cry when i need to. and things are going to be just fine. good, even. really good.


*don't worry - 'by myself' is a bit of an overstatement. my instructor and the patient's real nurse were always near by.